Blog 2: Birds
So, I have been cracking on with this daily drawing challenge that I have set myself and realised I have a tendency to draw birds. I have drawn about thirty birds so far and its only about a week or so since I started.
I’ve done em all mate, all the important ones anyway. Robins, Bluebirds, a Goose, Owl, Parrot, Stork, Budgie, Flamingo, Blue tit, to name a few. No Casowary as of yet but I plan to rectify that soon enough.
I have had encounters with birds before in my life. Obviously I’ve had a go at befriending a crow but I couldn’t find him.
My cat once brought in a sparrow and let it go in the house. My acoustic guitar had a few strings snapped and the little fucker got inside it and was flying about and I swear it was shouting HELP!!!! at the top of its lungs.
And once at school Joe Martin threw a stone at a seagull in the sky, stunned it and it’s belly full of plastic to the ground. I stood over it until it came around. It lifted it’s dazed head, turned to me and said, ‘Can you believe that? What a shot’
But what I really want to tell you about was the time my brother took me to an Owl sanctuary somewhere in the middle of a field in Kent. Or Essex. I have no idea really. I got myself to London and let joe take over.
Firstly it wasn’t just owls they had there. Eagles were welcome with open wings, some reptiles too and over the way, huskies that all the gang members of London had abandonned around 2016.
They had a big Sea Eagle that kind of stood guard like he was doing security. Maybe he was. I wouldn’t have messed with him. He had the biggest beak I have ever seen. Biggest by mass not by length, that would be the Heron for me. Although I am aware of storks and warblers.
He looked a little like Jarred Leto on the day but a very specific Jarred Leto that I don’t think many of you would understand. His name was Charlie so I asked, ‘Didn’t you want to call him Jarred’ to which an owl hand replied, ‘That’s just the name he came with’. I left it there.
We soon moved on to the main even. Two barn owls came out. They had funny names like Pinky and Perky or Itchy and Scratchy but I cant remember what. Lets call them Brown and Smelly. They were amazing and we learned so much about them. Like they have fucked up ear holes and their face acts like a satelite dish for them to hear things.
We farted around on this topic for ages. I was polite but too excited to hear much because I knew that in the following few minutes, I would be the one holding one of these feathered beasts and all I could hear was my pulse. I was presented the leather glove of dreams, and protection. I slipped it on. It was warm. I think that was because the girl who had it on before me had very clammy hands.
The owls were sent up into the sky to fly about and have a laugh. I was intsructed to raise my hand. and one of the owls came and landed on my glove to eat some of the gammy chicken I’d been given. Then, at great surprise to me, the second owl, Smelly gracefully landed on hy hand and started tucking in too. Smelly was’nt too happy so they had a bit of a fight on my hand and from my point of view it looked very much like Street Fighter from the arcade machines.
The first thing I noticed was that the birds were very light. Shockingly light! I questioned if they were even there or not and it might have just been the big leathery cowboy tassled glove weighing me down. It was one of the best bits of my life. Stood in a field looking like a leather Macho Man with not just one but two barn owls squabbling over a defrosted bit of mulch. it was like that scene with the two raptors in Jurassic Park, if it was completely different.
The thing I want you to take home from this is that the barn owl is the lightest beast I have handled to date.
The final bit of the day was a bit of a showcase of their other impressive birds. Eagles and other birds of prey were passed before my eyes but, you know, once youve seen one Eagle you’ve kind of seen them all. So, exasperated with the offerings I blurted out, ‘Where are your top tier birds, celebrity ones’.
After a while, whilst they tried to explain how rude I had been, they finally delivered. The Bald Eagle, (America’s favourite) came out. He was handsome and I said, ‘I know him, from the money, in the films’. They scoffed, (who’s being rude now), then proceeded to tell me this Eagle was not only the eagle from Crystal Palaces dicking around with an Eagle in the stadium bit but he was also the one from the front of the Kings of Leon album, I can’t remember which one but the one with the Eagle on it.
I’m not going to lie, I was a little starstruck. It’s not everyday you meet such a successful bird… Bit more successful than I’ve ever been… Leaves a bit of a bad taste when I think of it like that… Show off little prick. Ah well its probably dead now and if not it lives in a bird prison so whos laughing now. At least I got paid for all the jobs I did, even when I did the shopping for Mrs. Brown once her husband had ran off.
Top 10 Birds
10. Gooses
9. Most Red ones
8. Those Parrots that take the piss out people and give loads of back chat
7. Pelicans (Whilst eating)
6. The brown Blackbirds
5. A Eagle
4. Fat Owls
3. Fat Robins
2. Magpies that know that number thing and hang around in groups of four, for a boy.
1. The Casowary